A Break In The Clouds

So there's this woman...and she changed me tonight. I have many friends who have dealt with depression before. Their words often help me to gain clear perspective on what I'm dealing with and to put into context my true feelings and those magnified by depression. Tonight I had a long talk with a good friend that has been off her meds and healthy for six years. To me the idea of being well without the meds seems impossible, but I know that's because I'm on the dark side of depression. There are many thinks you *know* to be true when you are depressed but you still don't quite believe them. Talking with her, confessing my darkest secrets....the ones that have been eating me alive for months...it's changed me. Freed me. It's like a break in the clouds...I can see the sun is just on the other side of my sadness. I can see the shadow of my beautiful life and imagine how beautiful it will be when I am well.

I start back on my cymbalta in the morning. I still broke out in hives twice today so it's obviously not cymbalta related. Or maybe it is but I'll take my chances until we figure it out. Funny thing...when I was feeling incredible on the cymbalta I was so cautious...waiting for the bottom to drop out. Well it just did and it SUCKED....but it wasn't as bad as I thought it could be. It wasn't any worse than before. That is sort of comforting. I don't like where I am but at least I'm not worse.

Tomorrow my clouds will be moving out and the sun is shining. I have renewed hope.

out of control

So I was put on Cymbalta for my depression. I love it. I felt in control of my life for once. My reactions were, for once, in proportion to their stimuli. But I started breaking out in hives and so i had to stop taking the meds to make sure they weren't the cause. i wish I would have kept my big mouth shut. The last three days w/o the meds have been awful. I spiraled down into my black hole so fast. I'm tired, nauseated, and just all around out of control. I'm making bad decisions and I'm just ready to feel better. If I dont get hives today I get to start back on the meds.

This probably has no direction and seems all over...that's how i feel. confused, all over, distractable.

My appt update.

Ok I wanted to clear up a couple of things because it seems a lot of messages I've been receiving have suggestions for these things and I have already been doing them so I just wanted to clear that up. For example, Anderson is in Day School MWF already...so I do get a break but I don't need a break, that's not the problem. Also, I had my appt today with a psychologist and I will continue to see someone, so no more worries I am taking care of this.

So today was my first time meeting the doctor. I spent the first 45min just telling my life story in regards to depression. She seemed to feel that I was suffering from both psysiological and situational depression. So, I'm going to see her and begin taking cymbalta.

I also heard back from my professor who gave me some good ideas on how to finish my two project without too much effort. In fact while both kids are sleeping and I can focus I'm going to try to work on that.

it's not much but it's something

I got very little done today. I didn't finish my school work, honestly I didn't even work on it. I did email my professor and speak to an academic advisor about taking off a term at school. I would be considered as "taking a leave of absence" not quitting or postponing. I like that language better. And that wouldn't negatively affect my financial aid or honors status.

What else did I do? I cooked breakfast lunch and dinner. Easy stuff, baked stuff.

Mostly I just sat around. I started to plan an anniversary trip with our priority club points. We could fly and stay free for four nights in Denver. Chris wasn't really feeling it, said we'd spend too much while we were there. There's also a 4 day cruise out of New Orleans for our anniversary that would cost us about $680. Again I'm sure that's too much. Then I thought maybe we should just stay in New Orleans with his points and only have to pay for gas and food. I have no idea if we'll do anything. He complains that I'm always trying to get away. Maybe I am. Maybe that's how I cope.

I read back into this blog a few months and I can see the shifts in my mood. My mom said something a while back about me being in better spirits when I have a project. I guess that's how I cope. I just distract myself and for short periods of time that works.

I wonder if I'll recognize myself as a healthy person. Will I feel like me? How long have I been this way. At least 6 years...maybe longer.

it happens so fast

I am up and down so fast I feel like I'm getting whiplash. I can't wait for Monday. I really need some help. I took a quiz "are you depressed" and got a Warning! Call your docotor right away. I didn't feel that desperate. I took another. Level of depression High, only one level below Severe. Really? I mean I guess I know it but I feel like I can see clearly though the depression. I can see it happening. I always assumed depressed people weren't aware of the changes in themselves. I see it happening. I feel like I'm watching from the outside. I see it coming towards me and instead of running in the other direction I stand dumbfounded and then before I know it it's overwhelmed me. I'm consumed by it. I felt ok this morning but now I feel lethargic, unfocused, paralyzed.

The websites all say you will not simply snap out of depression. That may not seem like a big revelation and at first it wasn't one for me either. But I realize I really did expect to just wake up and be happy. I sort of did just think I would snap out of it. I honestly didn't even see how it had been affecting me. Some of the questions that if I'm answering honestly reads "DUH Sarah you're depressed" go beyond the obvious lethargy and overwhelming feeling and even the non sleeping. Have you stopped caring about things that you once cared a lot about? Yes. Do you feel like people no longer like you? Yes.

Sorry, I just spaced out. I sat here looking at the words for five minutes not thinking not writing. proof positive that I'm lost in my own head.